GAIA OREGANO AFFIDAVIT

 GAIA OREGANO AFFIDAVIT: 

I’m Gaia Oregano, but you probably know that. I’m sure many people have already mentioned me. I’m the problem child. ‘Why can’t you be like your dad and work in the military? Why can’t you be like your brother and farm? Why can’t you be like your mom and die?’ I’ve heard it all before. I love my brother to bits, but that kinda life ain’t for me. I thought I could make a real difference. Did you know that billions of people lost their homes and now have to start fresh, after the Empire invaded the outer rim of the galaxy to sap those planets dry of their resources? Yeah, those people don’t even have money after the government refused to take what the empire claims to be ‘fraudulent’ currency, after they themselves forced the people to shift to the galactic credits. They get taxed exorbitant amounts to pay for the Doom Sphere that everyone voted against. This is a massive jeopardization of democracy, but what should I suspect when there’s a literal dictator in control? I told Daddy about it, and how the emperor was ruining the lives of so many people, and he imprisoned me, his own daughter. He came into my cell every so often, trying to talk, but every time he did, he always would end the talks with how ‘I’m listening to the wrong news’ and ‘those people are poor, so they don’t even matter,’ just insanely gross stuff that I couldn’t stand to hear. I was able to message Ken Benobi, one of the people fighting for a better empire, using one of the droids that brought me food, S3-E3. It took a while. I heard a bunch of commotion, then low and behold, some random scummy guy came to save me, saying some of the exact same things I called Mr. Benobi to escape from. I didn’t want to leave the cell with him, anyway, so he manhandled me and forced me onto his shoulder as thunder troopers started shooting at us. I saw that Mr. Benobi was fighting Daddy, and I kept punching the guy grabbing me to go save Benobi, but he refused. I don’t know why, but my brother was with them and was scared about the whole mess he got involved in as he shot us into warp speed. Before I could try and ask him about what was happening, the base uncloaked itself and started beaming us in. I was getting ready to meet the Grand Moff when my brother started shooting at the base. I was screaming at them to stop, that it was an empire ship, and our dad was in there, but he wasn’t listening. He kept firing for a full minute, and in that time, he must’ve gotten lucky or something, cause one of the shots blew the ship to smithereens. Everyone on the ship was dead. Nothing in the ship could possibly be salvageable, with the warp core tainting all of the minerals. Everything is doomed, and it was because of my baby brother.

THE GHOST OF KEN BENOBI AFFIDAVIT

 THE GHOST OF KEN BENOBI AFFIDAVIT: 

My name is the ghost of Ken Benobi, yes, that ghost of Ken Benobi. As most of you are well aware, I am a member of an elite group of individuals who can persuade people to do our bidding with only our words. In other words, I’m an influencer. I was walking around town, enjoying the sand between my toes, when my nephew started screaming all about town that he needed help. I asked him what was going on, and he mentioned that his other uncle and aunt were killed. I went to his home and found the charred remains of his family. I went to the authorities to ask if they could find who was responsible, but they said they couldn’t do anything. Apparently, Skuke’s other uncle and aunt were illegally making a blue milk empire to pay for Skuke’s education at Universe U and were executed for their crimes. I knew I couldn’t tell Skuke about that, so I tried to put it in a positive light for him by taking him on a trip across the galaxy. I found someone willing to give us a ride, but their prices were quite hefty. I mentioned what happened to my nephew’s family, but they wouldn’t budge. It just so happened that someone was trying to fight me in the establishment where the deal was taking place, so I took the opportunity to lop their arm off after they pulled out a weapon. The driver suggested a price that was far more reasonable after that. On the trip, we went to the corners of the galaxy to see the problems that came with the empire’s rule. We saw the planets that were no longer inhabited, the planets forced into ruin by all the star wars, and even the planets that had their crusts drained and had to be reclassified as dwarf planets. Unfortunately, that part of the trip was seemingly ignored by Skuke. He was much more interested in the gambling world, entirely ignoring the working class slaving away below the casinos, so the rich could waste their money away on the luck of the dice. I realize the trip was supposed to make him feel better, but he should recognize that traveling shows you the good and bad of the galaxy. I eventually received a notification from his sister, Gaia Oregano, about being taken by the empire, and I thought this was exactly what young Skuke needed to realize the problems with the government. I asked the driver to fly us over and help pick up Gaia. The ship came into the dock, and the thunder troopers started blasting all over the place. I was hoping Skuke could see the violence that comes with the ways of the empire, but he was unconscious. I tried to wake him up, but he was entirely out of it. I checked his pulse, and his midichlorians were through the roof. That could only come from one thing: deathsticks. I saw his dad, Dark Invader, show up. He was everything wrong with the government, and hopefully, if Skuke woke up to seeing me, his idol, fighting the man, then his perception of the system would be shattered. I started swinging at Dark, but he kept deflecting. He was stronger than I’d expected, and I realized there was no way I could beat him on level ground like this. I looked over to Gaia and saw the driver and his dog running back into the ship. He had to be the one who gave Skuke the death sticks. There wasn’t anyone else who could’ve done it. In the time that I was distracted by the ship reaching warp speed, I was killed. I eventually got better, but the hour when I was still reforming is a bit of a haze. The first thing I remember after dying was staring at my nephew fighting against the man, aiming a gun at the Death Sphere like a good little boy.

CORPSE OF UNCLE OWEN AFFIDAVIT

 CORPSE OF UNCLE OWEN AFFIDAVIT: 

The corpse of Uncle Owen was not responsive.

DARK INVADER AFFIDAVIT

 DARK INVADER AFFIDAVIT: 

My name is General Dark Invader. You might have seen me on the cover of Before Time magazine, right behind my boss, Sheeve. He always seemed to find himself in the spotlight. Anyways, I was doing my normal patrol during the emperor’s vacation, when all of a sudden, some thunder officers presented me with my daughter. Apparently, she was planning on destroying the ship after hearing the terrorist propaganda about the natives being forced from the outer rim, so we could mine the planets for material for the sphere. Understandably, the Doom Sphere was fully made at this point. It would be a waste to destroy it now. I tried to explain it to her, but she refused to listen to reason. I grounded her, hoping that after she calmed down, she would start understanding. A week or so passed, and I thought I was getting some headway while talking to her, but you know how daughters are. One step forward, two steps back. Just as I thought she finally understood me, a ship crash landed in the shuttle bay and my old boss came out swinging. Things didn’t end well after he fired me, i.e., after he set me on fire, but I feel like I should have been the one upset in this instance. Regardless, I was able to make quick work of him. I was training to become a symbol of hope across the empire, while they seemingly grew old on some sand planet, I presume. Whoever came with him didn’t seem to care much for Ken as they left him just as things were getting hairy for them. I went to the command deck to ensure everything was okay, but received a notification that someone’s prison cell had been emptied. I knew exactly who it was. I told them to follow the tracking module I put on Gaia as a kid, but I received a holo from the emperor. He mentioned how I was a disappointment, and now that he can’t even go on vacation without everything being destroyed. I was accustomed to this type of behavior, but I knew it wasn’t good for morale for others to hear it. I left the ship to continue the call without interruption. I was gone for 1 hour, and the ship was destroyed. I told the Grand Moff to take them peacefully, but the entire base was destroyed in response to that peace.

S3-E3 AFFIDAVIT

S3-E3 AFFIDAVIT: 

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SAN HOLO AFFIDAVIT

 SAN HOLO AFFIDAVIT: 

Okay, first off, let me make one thing clear. I was hired for a gig to lift the spirits of a kid who just seen the corpse of his uncle and aunt. I even offered a discount to him, given the situation. I never really had any family, but I could empathize with them. He was feeling down during the trip, but after we went to Bighto Cant and I gave him some money to gamble with, he started living like there was no tomorrow. I even took him to a blaster range and let him shoot my laser pistol after I saw him eyeing it during an altercation at the bar when we first met. He had surprisingly good aim. We had a nonstop bender, and if anyone got rough with the kid, I got the muscle Pewie to sort it out. Everything went smoothly until his uncle wanted us to pick up some girl for an extra thousand credits. I needed that money. I had enough trouble buying gas for this highly discounted trip, but then the Hutts demanded a refund on some faulty weaponry I shipped for them. I put in the coordinates the uncle gave me, and it was a bit of a way away, but it was definitely worth the price in gas. The issue being they didn’t mention the girl was in the massive moon base that was created by the EMPIRE! I didn’t know what to do. I thought of turning back, but I remembered what the uncle did with his laser sword and had no choice but to go forward. In the end, we were able to get the girl, but the uncle stayed to fight the 2nd in command of the government, Dark Invader, for no reason. We had to go. I got shot in the arm, the girl kept hitting me as I had to carry her to the ship, and Pewie was spayed. I ran into the ship and told the kid to hit the gas. Just as I left, I saw the uncle glaring at me as he was executed by the state. I told the kid what happened when the coast was clear, or when it appeared to be at least, and he looked like he needed a minute to think things through. An hour past and the base appeared right in front of us and tried to beam us aboard. I was racking my brain on what to do. This was all the uncle’s doing, so I was planning on explaining everything to them, but before we got back in the sphere, the kid started shooting like a madman at the base. He was screaming the entire time, but he did it. He shot the base, and it blew up. Of all my years working as a bounty hunter, I can say for certain, a shot like that couldn’t happen by accident.

SKUKE LYWALKER AFFIDAVIT

SKUKE LYWALKER AFFIDAVIT: 

My name is Skuke Lywalker. I was formerly a farm boy and currently a terrorist (at least that’s what the empire’s claiming). I just wanted to travel the galaxy, and the death of my aunt and uncle by the state was just the excuse I needed to go out and explore. My other uncle, Uncle Ken, took me to what he referred to as a retched hive of scum and villainy, and it was sick. Someone got fresh with Ken, and he full-on sliced their arm off with his laser sword. I don’t think he even has a license to carry it. Ken got me to meet San Holo with his dog Pewchacha. He owned a space van that’d help me fly throughout the galaxy, and apparently, he told me he would sell me some death sticks if I didn’t tell Uncle Ken about it. Well in the middle of the road trip, Ken said we needed to pick up my sister after she got in trouble or something. I took a nap in the back of the truck only to wake up with my sister and Mr. Holo sprinting into the space van and screaming for me and Pewie to gun it. I shot us into warp speed, and if anyone was chasing us, it didn’t seem they were afterwards. As I looked around the ship, I asked where’s Uncle Ken. Everyone’s face turned sour. Sis told me that Ken died trying to save them, which was an odd way to end a road trip, to be honest. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, hearing that apparently my sister got associated with a bad crowd, but before I could even do anything, a massive moon sized based appeared right in front of us. I later found out that it was a military weapon and that they put a tracker on Gaia before she left, but at the time, all I knew was the ship shot something at us, pulling us towards it. I was terrified. Two of my uncles and one of my aunts were killed in the span of a week, and I think I was hearing their voices to fire at the ship, so I did just that. I was aimlessly shooting at the ship, hoping they would let us go, and I guess I made a lucky shot, or an unlucky shot, given I’m being sued now, that exploded the whole thing. I never meant for that to happen. Everyone in the van was terrified, and the first thing I did after going home was tell the authorities, but then they told me I exploded a military base and now I’m being sued for the damages. If I knew it was a ship built by the Empire, of course, I wouldn’t have fired.

EMPEROR INSIDIOUS AFFIDAVIT

 EMPEROR INSIDIOUS AFFIDAVIT: 

My name is Sheeve Insidious. I am beyond aging, but if I had to put a number down, I’d say a low 300. I am currently employed as the emperor of the Cosmic Empire and created the Doom Sphere. I was its largest funder, providing 4 quadrillion of the 276.5 quintillion galactic credits for its creation, with the second being the Caesars, who, with all their wealth, spent a measly 3 trillion credits. Granted, a supermajority of the credits needed came from the taxation of the planets within the empire. The sphere was my pride and joy. It was a marvel of engineering. The moon-sized base was entirely carbon-neutral and solar-powered. Despite the massive energy required for the planet-destroying laser to end terrorism across the empire, it only required a single ventilation shaft the size of a womp rat. It took decades to take, and when it was finally forged, I was elated. My 2nd-in-command, Dark, mentioned how I was overworking myself in the development, and I honestly took his claim to heart. I had been working a bit too hard, melting the space candle at both ends, if you will, on the schematics and making sure the development was flawless. So, I went on a small vacation off-world, while the Sphere was put to work. On the night of its detonation, I was in a galaxy far, far away when I received a hologram informing me that a cell of extremists was approaching the Sphere. I messaged for them to be taken into custody, only for 12 parsecs to pass, and I was informed that one of the rebels shooting at the Sphere had a blast go several miles up the exhaust vent, destroying the warp core and the rest of the base along with it. I was heartbroken. I spent decades of my eternal life in the development of the Doom Sphere. Weeks later, one of the terrorists admitted to exploding the base, but claimed the empire was in the wrong for trying to beam them into the Sphere, despite them being in military spacespace. Even if he didn’t intend to explode the Sphere like he claimed, his actions were incredibly reckless. They led to the destruction of the entire empire’s economy, raising unemployment to 30%, and for that, he must pay the likes of 276.5 quintillion credits worth of punitive damages. Most of that wealth is necessary to rebuild the Doom Sphere, with a modicum of it going to the family of those who died within the Sphere, of course.

THE PEOPLE OF THE COSMIC EMPIRE v. SKUKE LYWALKER

 THE PEOPLE OF THE COSMIC EMPIRE 

Plaintiff 

v. 

SKUKE LYWALKER 

Defendant 

Statement of the Case 

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, Skuke Lywalker went on a space adventure with what the Cosmic Empire classified as terrorists. At some point during the trip, Skuke got caught in a tractor beam by the Empire’s Doom Sphere and attempted to shoot the sphere to protect himself. This led to the destruction of the Doom Sphere. The Cosmic Empire is now suing Skuke Lywalker for the damages caused to the Doom Sphere by Skuke’s reckless shooting and endangerment of the empire’s property. Skuke claims he was in the right and, therefore, is unwilling to pay the sum requested by the government.