SKUKE LYWALKER AFFIDAVIT

SKUKE LYWALKER AFFIDAVIT: 

My name is Skuke Lywalker. I was formerly a farm boy and currently a terrorist (at least that’s what the empire’s claiming). I just wanted to travel the galaxy, and the death of my aunt and uncle by the state was just the excuse I needed to go out and explore. My other uncle, Uncle Ken, took me to what he referred to as a retched hive of scum and villainy, and it was sick. Someone got fresh with Ken, and he full-on sliced their arm off with his laser sword. I don’t think he even has a license to carry it. Ken got me to meet San Holo with his dog Pewchacha. He owned a space van that’d help me fly throughout the galaxy, and apparently, he told me he would sell me some death sticks if I didn’t tell Uncle Ken about it. Well in the middle of the road trip, Ken said we needed to pick up my sister after she got in trouble or something. I took a nap in the back of the truck only to wake up with my sister and Mr. Holo sprinting into the space van and screaming for me and Pewie to gun it. I shot us into warp speed, and if anyone was chasing us, it didn’t seem they were afterwards. As I looked around the ship, I asked where’s Uncle Ken. Everyone’s face turned sour. Sis told me that Ken died trying to save them, which was an odd way to end a road trip, to be honest. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, hearing that apparently my sister got associated with a bad crowd, but before I could even do anything, a massive moon sized based appeared right in front of us. I later found out that it was a military weapon and that they put a tracker on Gaia before she left, but at the time, all I knew was the ship shot something at us, pulling us towards it. I was terrified. Two of my uncles and one of my aunts were killed in the span of a week, and I think I was hearing their voices to fire at the ship, so I did just that. I was aimlessly shooting at the ship, hoping they would let us go, and I guess I made a lucky shot, or an unlucky shot, given I’m being sued now, that exploded the whole thing. I never meant for that to happen. Everyone in the van was terrified, and the first thing I did after going home was tell the authorities, but then they told me I exploded a military base and now I’m being sued for the damages. If I knew it was a ship built by the Empire, of course, I wouldn’t have fired.