EMPEROR INSIDIOUS AFFIDAVIT

 EMPEROR INSIDIOUS AFFIDAVIT: 

My name is Sheeve Insidious. I am beyond aging, but if I had to put a number down, I’d say a low 300. I am currently employed as the emperor of the Cosmic Empire and created the Doom Sphere. I was its largest funder, providing 4 quadrillion of the 276.5 quintillion galactic credits for its creation, with the second being the Caesars, who, with all their wealth, spent a measly 3 trillion credits. Granted, a supermajority of the credits needed came from the taxation of the planets within the empire. The sphere was my pride and joy. It was a marvel of engineering. The moon-sized base was entirely carbon-neutral and solar-powered. Despite the massive energy required for the planet-destroying laser to end terrorism across the empire, it only required a single ventilation shaft the size of a womp rat. It took decades to take, and when it was finally forged, I was elated. My 2nd-in-command, Dark, mentioned how I was overworking myself in the development, and I honestly took his claim to heart. I had been working a bit too hard, melting the space candle at both ends, if you will, on the schematics and making sure the development was flawless. So, I went on a small vacation off-world, while the Sphere was put to work. On the night of its detonation, I was in a galaxy far, far away when I received a hologram informing me that a cell of extremists was approaching the Sphere. I messaged for them to be taken into custody, only for 12 parsecs to pass, and I was informed that one of the rebels shooting at the Sphere had a blast go several miles up the exhaust vent, destroying the warp core and the rest of the base along with it. I was heartbroken. I spent decades of my eternal life in the development of the Doom Sphere. Weeks later, one of the terrorists admitted to exploding the base, but claimed the empire was in the wrong for trying to beam them into the Sphere, despite them being in military spacespace. Even if he didn’t intend to explode the Sphere like he claimed, his actions were incredibly reckless. They led to the destruction of the entire empire’s economy, raising unemployment to 30%, and for that, he must pay the likes of 276.5 quintillion credits worth of punitive damages. Most of that wealth is necessary to rebuild the Doom Sphere, with a modicum of it going to the family of those who died within the Sphere, of course.