THE GHOST OF KEN BENOBI AFFIDAVIT

 THE GHOST OF KEN BENOBI AFFIDAVIT: 

My name is the ghost of Ken Benobi, yes, that ghost of Ken Benobi. As most of you are well aware, I am a member of an elite group of individuals who can persuade people to do our bidding with only our words. In other words, I’m an influencer. I was walking around town, enjoying the sand between my toes, when my nephew started screaming all about town that he needed help. I asked him what was going on, and he mentioned that his other uncle and aunt were killed. I went to his home and found the charred remains of his family. I went to the authorities to ask if they could find who was responsible, but they said they couldn’t do anything. Apparently, Skuke’s other uncle and aunt were illegally making a blue milk empire to pay for Skuke’s education at Universe U and were executed for their crimes. I knew I couldn’t tell Skuke about that, so I tried to put it in a positive light for him by taking him on a trip across the galaxy. I found someone willing to give us a ride, but their prices were quite hefty. I mentioned what happened to my nephew’s family, but they wouldn’t budge. It just so happened that someone was trying to fight me in the establishment where the deal was taking place, so I took the opportunity to lop their arm off after they pulled out a weapon. The driver suggested a price that was far more reasonable after that. On the trip, we went to the corners of the galaxy to see the problems that came with the empire’s rule. We saw the planets that were no longer inhabited, the planets forced into ruin by all the star wars, and even the planets that had their crusts drained and had to be reclassified as dwarf planets. Unfortunately, that part of the trip was seemingly ignored by Skuke. He was much more interested in the gambling world, entirely ignoring the working class slaving away below the casinos, so the rich could waste their money away on the luck of the dice. I realize the trip was supposed to make him feel better, but he should recognize that traveling shows you the good and bad of the galaxy. I eventually received a notification from his sister, Gaia Oregano, about being taken by the empire, and I thought this was exactly what young Skuke needed to realize the problems with the government. I asked the driver to fly us over and help pick up Gaia. The ship came into the dock, and the thunder troopers started blasting all over the place. I was hoping Skuke could see the violence that comes with the ways of the empire, but he was unconscious. I tried to wake him up, but he was entirely out of it. I checked his pulse, and his midichlorians were through the roof. That could only come from one thing: deathsticks. I saw his dad, Dark Invader, show up. He was everything wrong with the government, and hopefully, if Skuke woke up to seeing me, his idol, fighting the man, then his perception of the system would be shattered. I started swinging at Dark, but he kept deflecting. He was stronger than I’d expected, and I realized there was no way I could beat him on level ground like this. I looked over to Gaia and saw the driver and his dog running back into the ship. He had to be the one who gave Skuke the death sticks. There wasn’t anyone else who could’ve done it. In the time that I was distracted by the ship reaching warp speed, I was killed. I eventually got better, but the hour when I was still reforming is a bit of a haze. The first thing I remember after dying was staring at my nephew fighting against the man, aiming a gun at the Death Sphere like a good little boy.